Im a late bloomer. It took me a long time to finally figure out what most girsl were aware of back in HS or even Middle School. I have always done my own thing. Having the ability to be independent and self sufficient holds more worth and weight than codependency. I always viewed female relationships as faulty because men attack each other directly whereas female competition is very indirect. I caught a glimpse of this indirect female competition in Junior highschool and made the unconcious choice to stay away from it. Therefore I was never truly faced with it until mid highschool and was never able to recognize it for what it was female competition. Anyone who "competed" with me I would automatically label as a chickenhead and move right on with my life. I thought it was just a faze and that as soon as I headed to college I would never have to deal with it because people in college were more focused, mature, and knowledgeable. Little did I know that this competition is merely a simple fact of life. I guess these chickenheads take on new personalities, and forms of social interaction but at the core of their existence is the insecure, backbiting, chickenhead they truly are. Some things never change.
Female competition takes on a new form. It deals with things that are more superficial and in extreme cases it can be very deep and psychologically driven. It can be explained very scientifically with Darwins law of evolution about survival of the fittest. The fittest individual has the higher possibility of attracting the best mate, reproducing, and passing on their genes. A large percentage of the population fails to remember that we are animals first, humans second. We are driven by our survivalistic genetic composition. If in order to survive an individual feels the need to compete, deceive, and belittle another they will do just that because we are animals first and humans second. For example why do females wear make up....they do so to be more attractive and to stand out amongst the other females in order to attract the best mate and therefore survive. Wearing make up raises certain females self esteem, and makes them feel pretty, confidenct, and juvenile. All of these being traits that men find irresistibly attractive. Why might a female hate on another female for doing just that....it might be because that female feels overlooked, not as confident, low self esteem and therefore belittles and criticizes a female who has personality, or physical characteristics which she covets. Herein begins the competition. It might seem a simplistic explanation but at the human core are survivalistic instincts. Why is a female who gets alot of attention from the opposite sex feared by other females...because she has higher chances of surviving and obtaining a mate or social status. She might feel that the attractive females has one-up'd her and has greater chances of success in different areas of life. If a female fears that this female has a higher chance of obtaining male attention or the attention of a specific male she is interested in the competition begins. The same can be said of a female who has recently obtained a fine job or is very successful in her career. The logic can be applied to popularity, grades, internships, and societal approval.
The threat lies in that female competition is so indirect that much of these thought patterns are never spoken but are exposed in indirect forms. The best friend or acquaintance who is constantly criticizing you for the natural gifts which you are blessed with whether it is your shining personality, independent character, go-getter attitude, your quiet disposition, your ability to dance well, good grades, your amazing wardrobe, etc. The criticism is delivered in such a way as to seem harmless but after the fact one can not help but feel attacked. If confronted the competitor will always try to dilute the statemenent by demean it harmless, a joke, or by making themselves the victim. It can manifest itself in the form of the hypocritical friend who acts decent to your face but destroys you when you are not around by indirectly distorting the truth about your character to others. Due to the fact that this person is or was your friend there is a higher chance that other will believe the allegations made towards you and seldom question. Therefore your competitive friend can be destroying your chances of succeeding socially without you even knowing. Female competition can be detected in the indirectly looks one individual gives another when you are in their presence aka the evil eye. Or it might even take the form of excluding you from events or meeting people which the competitor feels you would win over. Another example is demeaning your intelligence and leading others to think you are stupid by distorting your comments or interpreting your actions in a malicious way. An extreme example is that of the mother who secretly envies her daughter's looks, or personal relationships. It can be of the mother who envies her daughters relationship with the father if the mother was not able to obtain a healthy relationship with the man whom they are both connected to. The mother feels that the daughter has gained an advantage, a higher status and therefore conveys this message in indirect ways. These might manifest themselves in the form of constant criticism, arguing, or even emotional distancing. These are some examples but they all lead to the same conclusion.
Whenever you are shining at your all time best there will always be someone who will want to bring you down. For some reason this behavior is acceptable amongst females. It is encouraged by the belief that being blunt is equivalent to being a bitch. It is encouraged by stupid societally accepted and enforced behaviors of conduct which imply that it is better to tell a white lie than the truth. It is not ladylike to be blunt, it is not ladylike to confront. This might not apply to all females but to any female who has had to deal with this dynamic among their female relationships these examples dont stray too far from the truth. It is usually the person you least expect who unveils malicious intentions. You never know anothers agenda but remember that top priority in everyones agenda is to survive. Survival of the fittest internally drives us all.
You've said a lot here, some I disagree with some I don't. I always believe in being direct, but I am a passive aggressive person so it is a conscious effort on my part not to be this way.
ReplyDeleteThe most important thing is not to be crass, even if someone is rude to you- you know better, handle everyone's feelings with care even if it is not returned.
I don't think we are animals 1st and humans second. I think we a spiritual beings having a physical experience; we may have the instincts of animals but we have complex minds that can overcome being at the whim of our emotions.
The best way I have found to overcome competition is not to compete. If someone's always asking how you did on exams say "I did okay, I'm glad I passed" tell them you don't keep track of grades. Eventually they are competing by themselves and they will leave you alone.
One piece of advice I once got is "everything is either an act of love, or a cry for love". Don't think of these catty women as threatening think of them as emotional children who don't know any better and as someone older and wiser use tolerance and love to deal with them. You don't have to excuse everything they do but their actions are more reflective of their current state and has nothing to do with you.